if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
