You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
