I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
