If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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