i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
