I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
