i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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