i'm signing you up for texting rehab
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
