i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
