oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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