he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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