It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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