Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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