Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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