I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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