I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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