Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
