I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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