Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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