Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
