Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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