So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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