Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
