Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
His nipple licking is glorious
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