Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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