Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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