She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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