So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
