there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
