God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
