Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
