I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
