I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
