My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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