apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
