Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just had sex bonerless
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
