I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
