if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
