My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
