You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
