Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
