can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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