Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
