Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
