i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
