I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
