If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They took my balls.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
