Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
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