I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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