then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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