Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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