I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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