God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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